"spring"

Spring should be a time of new life. But this year, all I can see is death. This morning in physics, Mr. Wells told us his dad was expected to die of cancer in the next week or so. Right after that, we watched a terribly sad video about Jorgen Yde in adroom. Yes, it was a video meant to encourage us to donate to JY6000, but it really just reminded most students the sadness we felt as a student body the day when he passed away. Later in adroom, Mrs. Waagmeester asked us to go outside during 5th period on Friday to watch the funeral procession of the Vollmer family. We're allowed to stand on the curb of Cliff Ave in silence to show our respect. This has been an incredibly sad day so far. I wonder how many more deaths we'll have to go through as a student body before spring truly comes. Yes, I know in Christ, I have new life and I should feel excited about this time of year when other things come back to life too, but right now, honestly, I just feel dreary.

Worlds Apart- Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

 I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

Don't Stop the Madness

She tried to kill herself last summer. Then just a couple weeks ago, she was readmitted to the psych ward of a hospital for trying to do it again. She is your stereotypical Asian, piano-playing, intellectual. I would've never tagged her as someone who would try to kill herself. She was released from the hospital last week, but I'm terrified for her. What if her meds don't work?! Death scares me. Of course, her trying to die has everything to do with me and how I feel, because everything has to be about Katie. I don't want to live without her, I don't want to feel guilty, I don't want to know that I could've done something to save her. Sorry. Tangent.
And then, just a couple days ago, a different friend of mine started tweeting weird things, so I asked him if he was alright. "Rough couple of months", he said. We talked for about half an hour longer, and in this time, I heard "My life isn't worth it. I'm done. I'm 17 years old and I'm done living." which terrified me, of course. I know he's had a tough life. But still, doesn't he want a future?! He spilled that he wanted to die within the first five minutes of us talking, and we're not really that good of friends, which makes me wonder how many people actually ask him how he's doing.
Tangent- I hate when people go "How are you doing? Oh I'm good, how are you doing? I'm good too!" Like this question is asked so nonchalantly. It serves no purpose. No one's going to say "How are you doing? Oh, I'm actually thinking about suicide. How are you doing?" Like that will never come up in casual conversation. Which is why I can't stress enough the importance of asking someone how they're really doing. Ok. Tangent's over.
On another side note, there isn't really anything you can say to comfort a suicidal atheist friend. "It'll be okay!" "How do you know?" "Uhh..." Yeah. There are really no good non-Christian "comfort phrases." You know, like "God loves you." "God has a plan." "Just believe in Him, that's all you need." etc. Ok, end of tangent #3.
Anyways, being the selfish person I am, I must admit that all these thoughts about death are scaring the crap outta me. Like, God, whyyyyyy do my friends want to die?! I can't understand it! But then, the other day, I heard this song.
Don't Stop the Madness by Tenth Avenue North
Don't stop the madness,
Don't stop the chaos,
Don't stop the pain surrounding me,
Don't be afraid, Lord, to break my heart,
Just bring me down to my knees.
All I hear is what they're selling me,
That God is love, He isn't suffering,
And "what you need is a little faith and prosperity."

I know God is using the suicidal people around me to show me his love. That may sound crazy, but it's His way to bring me to my knees. I know there's more to God than just His lovey-dovey side. He's showing me that I can't fix everyone, no matter how much I want to. It's not up to me who lives and who dies. I'm scared for my friends; I don't know if they'll end up living or dying.
Partying will not satisfy. Drugs will not satisfy. Sex will not satisfy. Death will not satisfy.
Lord, don't stop the madness, and don't stop the pain surrounding me, if that's what it takes to bring me to my knees. But please, please, please, show my friends that life is worth living.

1st Grade Politics

So, I didn't make this blog to rant about political things. However, this blog post will have a bit of political mumbo-jumbo in it. I apologize. I am quite socially conservative, however, I'm a little bit economically liberal. I'm Pro-Life and I want free market, but I do like a few (emphasis on the few) of the things that President Obama said tonight during the State of the Union Address.
As many of you know, I work as a mentor for a little over an hour a day in a 1st grade classroom in a pretty poor neighborhood. I help with sharpening pencils, filing, and organization, but I spend most of my time reading with the kids or helping them through their classwork. These kids are the greatest, and to all of my friends, I'm sorry that I talk about them every day :) Recently, our classroom had a cockroach infestation (EW) because one of the kids would bring them from his house. Like the cockroaches would just settle into his backpack and clothes, and he would accidentally bring them to school. Poor guy. We'll call this little boy "N", just for privacy purposes :)
Today was our Valentine's Day party because there's no school on the 14th. I asked N what kind of valentine he was going to bring for the class (I brought puppies and baseball). He said "I dunno, whatever my mom can find at Walmart, 'cause she works there." He's so precious. It's not this sweet boy's fault that his father left, or that his mom works at Walmart. Why am I mentioning this? Because his family is a family who would benefit from Obama's proposed raise of minimum wage from $7.25 to $9.00. He deserves so much better. And with a single mom and two siblings, they're barely scraping by. Like what the heck, the kid has cockroaches in his house, in his backpack, in his clothes. Today I laughed while saying "Silly, your hair is sticking up all over the place!" and N replied with "Yeah, that's 'cause I didn't get to rinse off this morning." I can smell the kids. I know when they haven't showered for a few days. I've seen their files. Most of the parents either work at Walmart or John Morrell's. I hope Obama goes through with his plan to raise minimum wage to $9. It would SO benefit these kids.
Also, on a side note, N bought me a chocolate sucker for Valentine's Day that said "Teachers make the cut!" I bought that sucker for the teacher in my classroom. It was $2. $2 is a lot of money for a kid with two siblings whose mom earns minimum wage at Walmart. I love that little boy. He is so precious.
Everyday I walk into that classroom and see those 17 kids. Most of their families are on Food Stamps. Six of them are part of the Backpack Program. Seven of them are ELL students. But every time I see them, my day changes for the better. I can be having the worst day ever, but I know as soon as I walk in, J will say "TERE!", M will compliment my shoes, and A will tell me about a math problem she solved. These kids deserve so much more than they have.
I hope Obama can give their working parents $9 an hour.