Guilt Trips

The record I like to spin the most is called, "The Ways Katie Lets God Down." Have you ever heard that one? It's got some jams on it, including:
1. Katie should know better by now but still makes the same mistakes.
2. Katie gets arrogant when something good happens and only comes to God when life is raining.
3. Katie makes God look horrible by telling everyone she's a Christian and then wrecking everything she touches.
4. Katie wrestles with the simplest elements of faith and will never be a good enough Christian.

It's an album I'm really familliar with, but lately it's getting harder to play it. Lately, as I've started to explore my shame with God, I've started to think that maybe God sees my shame and desire to beat myself into submission with guilt different than I do. Maybe if I asked him what he thought, he'd say:

"What if you struck yourself in the head with a chain every time you felt guilty or ashamed for letting me down? What if you physically punished yourself every time you were not perfect? What if the self abuse was physical and external, instead of mental and internal? Would the scars cry for help? Would the pain you were causing yourself seem cruel and unnecessary? Would your heart break if you watched that person? This is what I see when I watch you, Katie.

My daughter, my daughter, who told you that the crucifixion was not over?"

Saying the word crucifixion is one of those Christian words that kind of make you look odd. You'll never hear a rapper at the Grammys or an athlete throwing out a verbal high five to God say, "Big shout out to God. Thank you for the crucifixion of Christ."

I never realized that by beating myself up, I was putting on a parade of pain before the Lord as a way to enter his presence. And I never really thought about that hurting him. Not because he's disappointed, but because he loves me. Madly, passionately, unabashedly, he loves us.

-Jon Acuff